Today’s category: Marriage
Getting Even
      A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

      One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

      His wife, irritated by her husbands’ lack of discretion shouts back…

      "Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!"

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Today’s category: Death
Last Wishes
      Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been.

      "My Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Rachel’, he told me. ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Knowing you’ll do this, I can rest in peace’."

      "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

      "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

      "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods."

      "And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

      "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’.

      At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring.

      "So?", said Rachel, "You like my stone?"

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Today’s category: Pastors
Pastors’ Wives
      Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husbands pants. One wife said: My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do anymore and he is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign.

      The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any better than it is right now.

      One woman was mending the seat of her husbands pants, the other was mending the knees.

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Today’s category: Marriage
Private Grief
      A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

      The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

      The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife’s first husband."

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Today’s category: Military
Secure The Building
      One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;

      The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.

      The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.

      Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire and amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.

      But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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Today’s category: Technology
New Year’s Resolutions
      New Year’s Resolutions for Internet Junkies

      1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.

      2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.

      3. I resolve to work with neglected children - my own.

      4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

      5. I resolve to back up my 10GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe…

      6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.

      7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won’t reply "MS Tech Support."

      8. I will read the manual.

      9. I will think of a password other than "password."

      10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

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Today’s category: Heaven
Visitor To Heaven
      Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine." St. Pete takes the book which lists everyone who’s supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read. 

      As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn’t have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted into heaven. Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story. 

      The man explains "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn’t really come into this world in the usual way. 

      I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son." 

      Jesus is awestruck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, "Are you MY earthly father?" 

      The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Are you my Pinocchio?"

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